Four months ago, I would have started this day by heading to the hammock with a cup of coffee, the iPod and the newspaper. I would have baked in the heat for an hour, sucking up deadly UV rays and counting down to the Royals game.

I would have watched much of the game from a lawn chair outside, rushing in only when a poor call required that I scream at the television up close, so that the umpire could feel my spittle.

Bear in mind that I’m mostly naked through all of this, people. Because you deserve that image to launch your Saturday.

Between innings, I’d be checking the tide charts at Scarborough Beach, hoping for a gift from the gods that would bring along the biggest surf to coincide with the conclusion of the dramatic Royals win. With such a gift, I’d complete my afternoon getting absolutely hammered by nine foot waves while 85 degree temperatures continued to roast my battered flesh.

All of that and still enough sunlight at the end of the day to steer clear of vampires.

Today, the thermometer is a hard, sluggish red down near freezing. I attempted to read the paper on the front steps but my fingers turned to blocks within seconds and a deadly wind ripped the pages away. It will be dark in four hours. Spring training is three months away. If I want to go anywhere, I’ll have to put on four layers of clothes, let the car run for a half hour and drop a path of sand all the way to my destination. If I were to step anywhere near the ocean, my male reproduction organ would fall off and be eaten by penguines.

The only way your quality of life remains the same throughout the year in Maine is if you ice fish from your brand new snowmobile with other eskimos and you have a drinking problem. Hence, the title of this blog.

I’m going back to bed. Note to media in California, Florida and Arizona: I’m available.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 13th, 2008 at 12:45 pm and is filed under Etc.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.