Who do you want to whack today?
Ah, Scorsese. Such a mild man and yet the worlds he depicts are filled with brutality and live-by-the-sword pain. Ray Liotta bringing down the butt of his gun over and over upon the bridge of a preppie’s nose. Joe Pecci watching his dim-witted brother get beaten repeatedly with a baseball bat before getting a dose of the ash himself. The inimitable De Niro stalking an entire family and expressing himself by biting a chunk of flesh from the cheek of a rape victim. Guys getting whacked in the most savage ways possible by thugs who kill as a matter of business and a little bit of glee.
And now The Departed. Though less bloody than most Scorsese classics, and more intricate in plot, the flick won the great man an Oscar and earned a zillion dollars at the box office. Because the world loves a titan director and the U.S. in particular loves their mafia.
Scan the headlines any time of day and you’ll see some mention of the mammoth hit series “The Sopranos.” All the world fell in love with mob boss Tony Soprano, his family, his personal problems, even his hygiene habits. Even while the creators took the always-compelling lives of the mafia and turned it into a soap opera, the viewers kept coming and coming. Because here was a story about men who lived greedily and savagely and profited all the way. These were animals in thousand dollar suits taking care of business the way you never could.
Which is probably the appeal of the show — and of mafia dramas in general — in the first place. Men love it because privately, they’ve always craved the power and prestige of the family. They work forty hour weeks so that someone else can profit and they almost never get to swear or raise their voices. In moments of solitary reflection, the average Joe or James would like the clout to tie a rival to a chair, beat him bloody for an hour or two, and then dispose of the gory corpse in the trunk of a car or the bottom of a river.
Women wish their men were manlier, too. Sure, it’s great that your husband is sensitive enough to weep openly at Terms of Endearment. Sure, you brag because hubby is a whiz at decorating and he can quilt like nobody’s business. But just once, wouldn’t it be nice to see him beat another man unconscious over a matter of a stolen parking spot at the mall? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he occasionally handed you fist fulls of cash while uttering huskily:”Don’t ever ask me about my bidness. Take the money and buy yourself something pretty.”
For the most part, the species has evolved out of their earlier habits of killing for advancement, but traces of those killer instincts remain. Gang warfare in the inner city, biker gangs with their rituals and codes, drug lords who turn coca leaves into billions of dollars. Goons who reject legal and moral codes to take what they want through force and intimidation.
So you probably won’t whack someone today because he owes you money. You won’t have your band of hulking cohorts lean on someone to keep them from turning rat bastard. You’ll behave in a civilized manner because that’s the way you were raised. That’s what is expected of you. You’ll come home from a long day in the trenches and your bones will ache. You’ll groan, grab a bottle of suds and turn on the tube. And there, tauntingly, will be men with slicked back hair and Armani suits amassing serious wealth by punching their rivals rather than punching a clock. You will hear the Godfather theme as you daydream about being such a colorful character and then the wife will come in, knock your feet from the coffee table and advise that taxes are due next week.
Welcome back to the real world, chump. Your only consolation is that you probably won’t awake to find a horse head in your bed.
April 9th, 2007 at 2:01 am
Laflamme at his best.. Awesome
April 9th, 2007 at 6:51 am
This is my favorite blog you have written to date, Mark. I’d write more comments, but I’m afraid to get whacked.
April 9th, 2007 at 7:07 am
you see, in my family, I would be the one giving fistfuls of cash, telling my man to buy something manly and then come home afterwards and give me the lovemaking I deserve or else! Yea, in my family, THAT’s how it is, you see.
April 9th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Hey Bulldog — something manly?? what would he buy?
April 9th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Linda, perhaps he would buy a certain manly journalist?
I got nothing
April 9th, 2007 at 11:16 am
If I rip myself off to pay for some online porn, does that mean I can whack myself off?
April 9th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Why ask us? you know you will anyway.
April 9th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
It took six comments to get to the dual meaning of “whack?” We’ve all grown so…
April 9th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
http://www.nypost.com/seven/04082007/news/regionalnews/brutal_and_grisly_truth_of_garden_states_real_sopranos_regionalnews_steven_malanga.htm
April 9th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
I’ve never watched the Sopranos, nor had any interest to. I couldn’t tell you what the Godfather theme is, even if it were playing right now.
Is my education lacking? I don’t think so.. just my personal preference.
April 9th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Coming this season on the Monkey Business Channel
The Falsetto’s
Starring
Bulldog as Queen Biotch – don’t cross this matron or you’ll end up sleeping with the fish-like creatures from the Androscoggin. She made her bones during the Great Allen’s Heist of 2007
Betty Dravis as The Cali Queen – running the West Coast side of the syndicate. Using her writing career as a cover she runs a ruthless drugs and money laundering ring. (truthfully, she brings in Viagra from Canada and sells it to the ladies at Bingo)
TreeHugger as Betty’s internet porn king boytoy
Mark Laflamme – the journalist who secretly desires to become a made man. However his uncanny resemblance to Blossom coupled with his pinky raising antics keep him on the outside looking in. Miffed, he now tries to topple the family through a third-rate, widely unread bird cage liner.
MT and AO as the muscle – BD’s ladies know how to put the hurt on the competition and are not above using their table-dancing skills to get their opposition to play ball. So to speak.
Ritchie as the cop – He wants to be a good cop, but being bad is so easy and….who are we kidding, he’s a Lewiston cop. He must be working for the family.
Dan as the butt of 90% of the jokes on the family blog.
Linda as the Aussie – she works as a mule for the family making trips back and forth between the continents, visiting “family”. In reality, a smuggler of high quality Steve Irwin animal porn.
Gil as the Buddhist Buttonman – Shadowy past, questionable future.
Did I miss anyone?
April 10th, 2007 at 12:05 am
BD must have a little Italian in her. Pun not intended; I meant genes, of course. Love that woman’s style.
And I have all three Godfather movies; watch them faithfully … at least once a year; an all-day Mafia Binge, so to speak.
If I were inclined to whack anyone (in the first sense of the word, Mark), it would be Al Pacino for growing old and ugly before his time.
April 10th, 2007 at 12:17 am
Betty, do you know Miles Corwin? I am currently reading Homicide Special and it is a really great book.
As for Al, I wanted him whacked for all of that “Hoo-ah!” crap in “Scent of a Woman”
Of course he made up for it with “Heat”.
April 10th, 2007 at 1:21 am
No, Gil, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting author Miles Corwin, but I know of him. I haven’t read HOMICIDE SPECIAL, but I read his critically acclaimed THE KILLING SEASON (1998) which I believe was his first book. I agree that his books are intriguing and he has a definite talent.
Did you notice the similarities between him and our Mark? Like Mark, he’s an award-winning journalist (crime reporter for The Los Angeles Times) who went on to write books … and he’s cute too.
Now if Mark continues in his footsteps, his books will become best-sellers too.
Yes, that “Hoo-ah” was overdone, wasn’t it? That odd quirk of that kooky character grated on my ears, but after a while it made me laugh, so perhaps it wasn’t a complete loss. I missed HEAT, but I liked SCARFACE; lots of guns and violence in that one.
April 10th, 2007 at 2:08 am
OMG, Gil, I almost missed #11. Mr. Scorcese told me you were writing his next screenplay, but I thought he was kidding. That’s fantastic casting. You really have Mark’s and BD’s characters down to perfection, and I’m pleased at running the entire West Coast … and getting my boy-toy back, in the bargain. I’d love to star in another movie with him. Since the last one we did together was a musical romantic comedy, I’ve been dying to do a heavy crime/action drama with him.
Linda would be great as an Aussie porn smuggler, as long as you’re certain the product is high quality, like the lady herself.
And you as a “Buddhist Buttonman” … What an oxymoron! That’s priceless!!! I’m still reeling from the image of that.
Like Mainetarr and Donnie G. think this is Mark’s finest column, I think this may be the best work you’ve done on the blog, too. Your sense of humor and characterization is awesome. Your career in Hollywood is assured, my man!
I believe you missed Goulet, Martha, Brenda and Weasel, so Mr. Scorcese wants a rewrite to see what parts you’d assign those characters, and he specifically asked that you not change my role. It suits me so well.
April 10th, 2007 at 2:28 am
Jeez, Gil, animal porn? Can’t I diversify?
April 10th, 2007 at 2:47 am
Stick to what you know Linda, that’s what I always say.
April 10th, 2007 at 2:53 am
I gotta rig sound in here so we can get the Godfather theme at times like these.
April 10th, 2007 at 3:14 am
Great idea, Mark!
Linda, don’t worry about diversity. My part of Cali-Betty, head of the entire West Coast, is already going to my head. I’ll personally speak to Mr. Scorsese about Gil enlarging your part. Croc DoneDeal travels between Hollywood and Australia frequently for his prossy ring. Just pack a hot red Teddy and some red stilettos and you’ll get plenty of diversity.
Now, good-night, kids. Gil’s movie is going to be a blockbuster, and we have plenty of work ahead of us. Meet you at the studio in the morning at 8 sharp!
April 10th, 2007 at 6:03 am
Career advice from all directions. Cool!
April 10th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Sure and I don’t mind being in “The Family”, I just don’t wanna go out like the dude in “The Departed” ! Ya kno’ ? Eh ?
I actually worked in “Southy” back in those days, you could tell who the connected people were, they had that “prosperous” look about them. And the IRA recruiters & fund-raisers were running around. Since I’m Irish, I got invited to consider going to Ireland & “foight da guid foight”, but fortunately I still had a brain & said no.
April 10th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
Ok, Gil, I’m waiting to see how you cast me for the movie…. Let me see.. I’m Scottish, well mostly. Maybe you could work that in somewhere. I’m sure I’d be some kind of bible toting goody 2 shoes. Not sure how that would fit, but give it some consideration.
April 10th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Martha, You’ll be the one to save all of us “lost soles”.
April 10th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Martha, you’re a little bit of a distance, but not too far from Maine to drive when the heat’s on. Can you run a safe house for us to hole up in? Do you think you can keep up a cool suburban exterior and hide the fact that we’e all in the back room drinking, smoking cigars and playing poker? Will the neighbors suspect anything?
April 10th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Linda, how about the attic, would it work?
April 10th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Attics are too hot in the summer, Martha. We need a cool space to play cards, drink beer and smoke some cheap cigars. Can ya cover for us? Keep us covered from the “heat”?
April 10th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
Gil, Your movie casting reminds me of the old Sun Urinal blog that Mark had. I don’t remember what he called it but he had all of us bloggers playing scenes in some movie. We all got to pick out who would play us in his flick. I think it was one of the highest blogged blogs on the Urinal web site. BUT..the one with the most hits was the “What’ll You Have” blog. Ahhh…fun times!
April 10th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
Hey, can I be the invisible woman in the know, with quiet discretion but never out of the loop?
Ok, how about the local club street chick with all the right connections?
April 11th, 2007 at 2:41 am
Hey, Nadine, come West to work for Cali Queen. You can infiltrate the paparazzi to smash their cameras and ruin their film when they try to photograph AO, Linda, BD, or any member of the infamous BullDog Crime Family while doing business with the Dravis Crime Family.
April 13th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
The What’ll Ya Have blog brings back memories. Almost 1300 postings on a variety of subjects. Isn’t that where we found out that Dan had so many personalities running around in him, sorta like Sybil? Those were the days.
April 13th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Ha! Hey Dan, you haven’t posted as Sybil yet.