Steve Irwin’s heir to the throne
Mark is taking the night off to do manly stuff. AO was gracious enough to step in to talk about disgusting things found in her… well. Don’t let me ruin it for you. Read on.
I’ve had the same refrigerator since 1988. This year it started to give out on me, as did everything else. My car, my business, my health (I’ve had a terrible cold), and the worst, I lost a dear friend in that horrible accident in Poland …by far…the worst of all. I’m trying to push forward. Isn’t that what we all do? Keep going. I did get my car back last week, only to have it break down again on Sunday. We were making a mad dash to Wally World to get my daughter’s medication before the pharmacy closed at four, and grocery’s for the week. The old Jeep gave out on the way home. Thankfully, a very good friend of ours lived right up the road from where we broke down. He came and “rescued” me.
But, the stress of everything finally got to me, and I did what most women would do in my position…I called my mother. And, being the astute person she is, the first thing she said to me was: “Oh, Sweetheart, don’t cry!” And, of course, the first thing I did was cry. BIG, HUGE, SOBBING, GULPS. I had all that I could do to talk to my mother. When I finally could talk, I let everything out. Everything I’ve tried to shield her from. My car situation, my money situation and…the condition of my refrigerator.
Today, I got a call from my mom. Seems that she and her husband decided to go out (without consulting me!) and buy a new refrigerator for my family. Okay. I never take or ask, anything from anyone. Especially my mother. But, she put me in a spot that I couldn’t say no. So, tomorrow, shortly after four (yeah, right!), I’m getting a new fridge.
Now I was faced with the problem of CLEANING it inside and out! On the outside I have a million pictures of my kids, nieces, nephews, my kids great test papers, awards, pictures of my great nieces and 
nephews, wedding announcements, cards, drawings by my kids..etc. Yup, I have the “refrigerator hall of fame. ” And, I’ve always been proud of it. Taking it all down was hard but, not a problem. My son Taylor, helped me. We put it all in bags to re-hang later. THEN, I went into the freezer. In the freezer I found…alligator meat. Alligator meat given to me by my good friend John….three years ago. He came forth bearing this “gift” right before Christmas saying “I thought you might like this”. Well, it WAS wrapped in a GAP bag! But what to my wondering eye’s should appear but, Friggin’ alligator meat! I’ve kept it all these years. My reasoning? HEY! How many woman in the state of Maine can say…”Dahling…I just so happen to have some alligator meat in my freezer. It would just be sooo lovely at tonight’s cocktail party.”
Now that I think of it, how many people call Allen’s and milk a cocktail?
January 12th, 2007 at 6:33 am
Gator meat is excellent. You missed out AO. I grew up in redneck central Florida and was a teen when the gators came off of the endangered list, and back on the menu. UMM UMM, good gator.
Have a good weekend, off to the happiest place in the Northeast, Foxwoods. A nice long weekend of poker.
January 12th, 2007 at 8:56 am
Sorry to read about your troubles, AO.
It;s true, all sorts of strange things reside in a refrigerator ! God only knows what might be in the back of the reezer compartment. I’m not much of a beer drinker; don’t particularly like the taste. Way back in the ancient past I acquired a can of, I think, Ballantine. That can of beer sat in our fridge for years. It moved to Mass. with us and moved back to Maine with us 7 yrs later. I think it was heading for its 20th birthday when, ya, you guessed it, wifey decided it was time for it to go. I was off at Scout Camp for two weeks (yes, I’m a Boy Scout and proud of it !) and when I got home I looked around to see what changed. (Every time I would go away for a period of time; training, Boy Scout Jamboree, what ever; my wife would make some major change to the house. Move the furniture, new furniture, God knows what; but something would be different.) Anyways, she says proudly, that she finally got around to doing a good house cleaning; and just damn, she got rid of my well-aged beer.
“Well, you weren’t going to drink it, were you ?” was her excuse. I miss that beer.
Probably would have gone well with the gator burgers.
January 12th, 2007 at 8:57 am
See you there Gil…
January 12th, 2007 at 9:04 am
Is meat too old to eat after 3 years in the freezer? I’d have cooked some of it at some point in time. Alligator burritos, alligator fried rice, alligator yaki soba ( stir-fried noodles), alligator stew – with dumplings? oh, maybe chopped up with veg’s in some pot-sticker dumplings. Maybe start with aligator stew & spice it up with cajun spices, mole, or curry sauce? aligator spaghetti sauce?
unless the head’s still attached, then I probably couldn’t have cooked it at all.
January 12th, 2007 at 9:39 am
A few years back I used to belong to a riding club, when I lived in PA. Anyhow, we had a bang-up Christmas party every year, potluck style. One fellow proudly brought a game dish to every party – one year squirrel, one year raccoon, one year elk, and then, one year it was rattlesnake. I was kinda sqeamish about trying it, but like everyone else, I figure, what harm could one bite do? And correct, no harm…… in fact, it tasted just like chicken! hee hee
January 12th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Thanks, Richie. Sorry about your Ballantine.
January 12th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Anybody else ever find a human head in their fridge? I never know whether to keep those or throw them out.
January 12th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Hey Mark, it depends – do you know where it’s been, do you recogonize it, and most importantly … do you remember how & when it got there?
If the answer to all of the above is no … then either store it in ziplock for halloween or throw it out.
January 12th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Yeah, that’s always the problem. I find the head and have vague recollections about how it got there so I don’t want to throw it out. They’re huge space gobblers though and they tend to go rancid. I usually just toss in a box of Arm & Hammer and forget about it again.
January 12th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Oh thats easy, when you have body parts that are going rancid and you don’t want the neighbors to be offended by the languid odor, you really have to suck the moisture out so its no so juicy. Sadly Ronco doesn’t make a dehydrator large enough for this purpose but the ancient egyptians got it all worked out. Apparently they had a lot of experience getting rid of bodies. Use something thats a strong desiccant like silica gel and sodium chloride, and pack it around the item to be dehydrated. The Egyptians used natron, which is hydrated sodium carbonate which is the best to use – if you can find it locally. Try a pretzel maker I hear they use it to coat Bavarian pretzels. You can probably also use lime (limestone powder, not the fruit) but I hear it tends to cause a bleaching effect . The benefit of using sodium, or natron is that is also kills the bacteria which create the smell associated with spoilage. Once dessicated, (it should be left to dehydrate for at least a couple of weeks to a few months) the head can be easily be stored elsewhere, freeing up so much refrigerator space that you won’t know what to put in there. Common places to store disembodied heads range from the very hidden to the public display. Closets, garages, under beds, bookcases, hidden rooms, coffee tables, basements and even mantlepieces are some of the places people have stored them.
Feel free to let me know how that works for you, with all those space gobblers around you should free up mad space. And hey when you are done you can still pull them out and use them at Halloween time.
January 12th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Damn, Mayo. Good tips. You remind me of someone I used to know. Did you ever go to those crazy parties at Dahmer’s place in Milwuakee? Great times. Every beer had a head on it.
January 12th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
I know where you can find a pig’s head…..
January 12th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Me too. In my freezer next to the alligator meat. Nothing like a good snout now and then.
January 12th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
4:45. I’m still waiting on my new fridge.
January 12th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Languid Odors? ??
January 12th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
I had a comment in mid-stream but it got lost somehow, I will try again.
Mayo, now i am frantic to know whether that method shrinks the heads too, or if that’s some other process entirely. Can you ‘splain that?
AO, great story! How exciting to be getting a new fridge, keep up informed. Did you decide to grill up the alligator meat? Too bad Gil didn’t lay some recipes on you before going off to Foxwoods. Or maybe Brenda could.
January 12th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
John was supposed to give me some recipes…three years ago. Nah..I’m not going to eat it now. Now, it’s just a novelty. And, they’re bringing my new fridge in as I type.
January 12th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Oh yay!
January 12th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Boy, I never knew how big of a job getting a new fridge could be! I’m wiped out. But, it’s beautiful. First thing I put in the freezer was…yup…my alligator meat. Ya never know when the next cocktail party will pop up! No pun intended.
January 12th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Hey Mark, no I wasn’t at any of Mr. Dahmer’s parties. As I recall back then there was a requirement to attend his parties you had to bring a recipe to exchange. It seems back then I was always short on recipe’s.
Hey Linda, There are actually two ways to produce a shrunken head. The first is a rather lengthy process in which one visits a member of the medical profession frequently called a head shrink. The head shrink or ‘psychologist’ as they often refer to themselves, then begins the process of opening up of and examining the head of the patient in question. The psychologist then begins a rather lengthy process of surgically removing the oversized ego little by little. The length of the procedure depends on the ‘size’ of the ego, and the cooperativeness of the patient in question. In some cases the procedure can be finished in weeks. But as in the case of William Shatner, after all these years he has made so much progress that his ego only precedes him into a room by a day rather then four days.
In the more physical type of head shrinking you have to remove the skull, and fatty tissues, and surgically sew it all back up after a rather more lengthy process of drying and preparing the skin which is more like preparing leather. In fact due to certain bans in the of trade in ‘real’ shrunken heads, there are a lot of shrunken heads out there that are made of animal leather shaped and sewn to look like a human shrunken head. There are several ways to tell a fake from the real thing, but the best and easiest is to shine a light up the shrunken heads nose, if there is nose hair, then its either the real thing, or an extremely good facsimile.
January 12th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
OK, thanks, Mayo, I’ve got it — remove the ego, the skull and the fatty tissue, but leave the nose hair. Sounds pretty straightforward.
January 12th, 2007 at 10:42 pm
Clarice…stand way from the bars.
January 12th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
He is a bit like Hannibal Lecter, isn’t he? That same reflective tone.