Ode to the penis
Ah, the human genitalia. Few things capture the attention of the mainstream masses like severance, disfigurement or unusual display of the reproductive organs. Understandably, trauma to the males sex parts is particularly entertaining. The penis and its associates are so comically out there, we know that somebody, somewhere is getting kicked, cut or hammered this very moment right in that ridiculously dangling apparatus. And chances are good they had it coming.
If you want to make the newspaper, the TV news and all of the highlight shows, do something crazy with your penis. Expose it; use it as a flag in some weird political protest; show it to someone who should not see it; get it caught in machinery or some household gadget; insert it where it doesn’t belong. Grow something that looks like one and you will become an Internet sensation. Find a severed one in a bag of potatoes and retire wealthy.
If you are not in possession of such equipment, do something crazy to somebody else’s. Slam it in a door; take a picture of it and post it on the Internet for ridicule; bite it or, cut it off with any variety of sharp implement. Nothing will bring the tabloids running like the marriage of a penis and pair of pinking shears.
All the world loves a penis, and why not? It’s the primary instrument of propegation and an absurd symbol of machismo. The penis — the dick, wang, dong, prick, rod, woody, bat – will cause a man more joy and trouble over the course of his life than any other one thing in the entire world. The penis is the ultimate entertainer and what range! Manglings, unlawful penetrations, dismemberments, immoral uses and the always funny barrage of baseballs, knees, and bicycle seats that cause it no end of agony.
On this last day of the year, I ask you to pause and remember all that this remarkable tuber has done for you. The penis: let’s give him a hand.
LILLINGTON, N.C. — A woman attacked a man in his genitals during a Christmas party, injuring him badly enough that he needed 50 stitches, authorities said Friday. Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, was charged with malicious castration in a fight early Tuesday at a party hosted by the 38-year-old man’s girlfriend, police said.
All three were heavily intoxicated, police Chief Frank Powers said. Dawson is accused of grabbing the man’s genitals. Police said a weapon was not used. He declined to elaborate.
“I believe he needed more than 50 stitches to repair the damage, but he is back home at this point,” police Cpl. Brad Stevens said. “All we can tell you is that the injury was done with her hands.”
State law describes malicious castration as cutting off, maiming or disfiguring a person’s genitals with the intent to hurt or render the victim impotent.
December 31st, 2006 at 11:14 am
I remember one news article a few years ago about a man who used a vaccuum cleaner hose for the suction, not realising that there’s a spinning peice of metal inside it.
very sad story.
December 31st, 2006 at 12:11 pm
That’s a blender, not a vacuum cleaner. Put down the glue and back slowly away
Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis.
Isn’t it simply grand to have a dong.
It’s swell to have a stiffy, it’s divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger to the world’s biggest prick…
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock,
But don’t take it out in public or they’ll stick you in the dock,
And you won’t a-come a-bout.
Eric Idle – Monty Python – The Not Noel Coward Song
December 31st, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Happy New Year in Sidney Australia….
Today there is a bowl game on, with the rest following tomorrow. How about they start the Pecker Bowl? All of the dickheads like Terrill Owens could play in it. Just saying….I am trying to stay on topic. You would think Bulldog would have been here by now. When the conversation turns to Dick, she is usually always good for a good laugh. No one can tell a dick story like the Bulldogious.
December 31st, 2006 at 12:31 pm
And yet, it’s Brenda and Mainetarr that come running first when dicks are mentioned.
December 31st, 2006 at 1:15 pm
When the day starts with a penis poem, you know it’s going to be a good one. Or a bad one.
December 31st, 2006 at 1:42 pm
Is this the kind of column Mark often writes for the SJ?
I think I knew all along where his thoughts lay. … Hmmmmm …
Well, I suppose, as some wise person once said, “It’s better to be pre-occupied with sex than occupied with it.”
Funnnnnnnnny, intriguing photos, and now I know it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words. Thanks for enlightening me, Mark.
December 31st, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Now this it the column that’s REALLY making me miss the people not here any more. But Gil, thanks for the Eric Idle. I was thinking you’d elaborated your style a bit until I saw the attribution. You could have done as well if you’d had the time, i know.
Betty, the SJ won’t even let him say “balls of steel”. They don’t want this kind of smutty stuff over there.
December 31st, 2006 at 2:14 pm
Ah, the balls of steel imbroglio. One of the SJ’s biggest displays of cowardice all year. In fact, maybe I should come up with such a list.
December 31st, 2006 at 3:37 pm
At least this column will give me something to think about as I check out the road conditions for a possible med delivery in an hour or so. Every major road within a 50 mile radius of our house is closed until further notice. Anyone up for a woody today?
December 31st, 2006 at 4:51 pm
Ha! a woody! what else is there to do when you can’t go shopping?
Mark, you were mentioning the “2006 in Review” schtick — I like the idea of “2006 — Stories We Should Have Seen in the Paper But Didn’t”. Let’s give it some thought. Or, you are the professional so do that if you like, we amateurs might just wing any old ragtime stuff off the top our heads like we usually do.
December 31st, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Were was that review? I missed it.
December 31st, 2006 at 5:41 pm
I’m a dolt. You were suggesting a review, not pointing one out. A dolt, I tell ya!
December 31st, 2006 at 5:50 pm
Wow. If she just used her bare hands…wowsa! She must have one big pair of man hands.
A goobah…maybe. A dolt…nevah!
December 31st, 2006 at 5:52 pm
Mark…what is that hanging out of your nose in the picture of you on the main Above The Fold page? A pen, a long cig? What?
December 31st, 2006 at 5:58 pm
Good eye, AO. It’s a pen. I keep them there so I won’t lose them.
December 31st, 2006 at 6:00 pm
I figured it was a pen. And somehow i just accepted that. You’re more questioning than I am AO.
“Slam it in a door”??? Who the hell would stand still for that? Seriously, just how would a woman do that? I’m just asking.
December 31st, 2006 at 6:03 pm
What, I’ve never told you about “the incident?”
December 31st, 2006 at 6:42 pm
Hmm…I’d like to hear all about “the incident”. What was her name? And, was she a wiccan? Had to be. How else would you have stood still for something like that unless there was a spell cast over you.
December 31st, 2006 at 7:00 pm
I’ve said too much already.
December 31st, 2006 at 7:06 pm
Come on! It’s New Year’s Eve! Give me something to read about! Or, you could just…um…email me the story.
December 31st, 2006 at 8:58 pm
That’s something you wouldn’t want to see as a top story of the year in review: “Award winning journalist castrated in ugly late night incident”. Would you, er, cover it yourself, Mark? I’m just hoping none of the b team are reading this, they have enough crazy ideas for you already!
December 31st, 2006 at 11:26 pm
good bye!
good bye forever!
bye to 2006!
I’m outta here!
January 1st, 2007 at 12:30 am
Bout time Brenda
January 1st, 2007 at 1:43 am
happy new year
January 1st, 2007 at 6:25 am
Happy New Year everyone. Wonder what it means that we’re saying that on a post about the mutilation of male genitals? How did you all start 2006, blog-wise?
January 1st, 2007 at 12:59 pm
A New Year with crazy-ass Brenda
Weasel, MT, AO and Linda
Flamer writing the blog
K2 lost in a fog
And Gil’s gone off on a bender
That’s as good as it gets for now. Happy New Year
January 1st, 2007 at 1:05 pm
‘Tis a fine gift ye have there, Gil.
January 1st, 2007 at 3:00 pm
This story has eerie shades of the John and Lorena Bobbitt story from the early 90s. Lorena Bobbitt was a housewife from Manassas, Va., who decided to reign in her wayward husband, John, by cutting off his penis. It was successfully reattached and John subsequently tried to embark on a career in porn.
Happy New Year everyone!!
January 1st, 2007 at 3:27 pm
At least Frau Bobbitt showed the small mercy of using a knife. Sheesh! who ARE these people? they should probably give up drinking if it makes them act that way.
January 1st, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Happy New Year to you all too! Nice poetry Gil. I rang in the New Year with a crazed, Allen’s drinking journalist and a man hugging a tree in my yard. And we were being taped throughout it all. Ahhhh, what will 2007 bring, I wonder?
January 1st, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Wow. What a bunch of freaks you hang out with.
January 1st, 2007 at 5:07 pm
New Years Eve.. other than a trip to the laundrymat, I stayed home. Rather boring life I lead, but it seems to suit me. I was still awake at midnight, but was on my way to dreamland. I don’t expect this year will be much more exciting than the last.
See, told you my life is pretty boring.
Happy New Year to one and all
January 1st, 2007 at 6:23 pm
did anybody read the news article about the Colorado woman selling snow on ebay?
January 1st, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I am seriously thinking about selling dog poop on e-bay. I bet some idiot will buy it. God knows I’ve got plenty of it. Maybe I could market it as “beast poop” from Maine. What do you guys think?
January 1st, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Brilliant! Beast Poop!
January 3rd, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Yeah, Mainetarr, you could buy it from Mark. He collected some from the site of the Maine Monster when he made international headlines a while back. It might be a little stale by now, so he’ll probably give you a good discount.
January 4th, 2007 at 7:03 am
Betty, I could collect plenty from my two dogs, too. A yellow lab and an English Mastiff. And if anyone is counting, Milo is now 8 months old, weight 175lbs and is about 10 inches taller than Bailey. Monster, but still a great big puppy and really lovable. He is coming to work with me today.
January 4th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Photos, MT! Photos please! We love your dogs.
January 4th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Love those labs; don’t know about all things English, even though my Mom was a Crawford. Grin!
My son has a golden retriever name Charger and is the most lovable dog in the world. Also has a black lab, Cinder, who is almost as lovable. Beautiful, warm, hearth dogs.
Oh, Mainetarr, what a picture you paint … a dog going to work with his master; the only problem I’m having is trying to figure genders here (on some of your more exotic names). Linda, Brenda, Martha and Mandy were easy (name-wise, of course), but you and TreeHugger have me mystified. I just about decided I was in love with TH but stopped myself … just in case my HE image might turn out to be a SHE in the TREE.
January 4th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
P.S.
Mainetarr, forget the poop sales idea. Someone else tried it and I read in the SJ that he got jumped by ten postal workers and beat up so bad he rode the rails all the way to California and never returned to Maine.
And that’s the Gospel truth … The guy is my next-door neighbor and never, ever lies. You oughta hear some of the tales he tells about your neck of the woods.
March 3rd, 2007 at 4:45 am
Glad to hear it