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More stuff you can’t do

repent1.jpgYou always knew it was bad to stuff your face full of donuts while peeking through windows to watch that hot Mrs. Loudermilk next door getting ready for her bath. You knew it was bad to sit around in your underwear, hating yourself because you don’t have an in-ground pool like that bastard Snodgrass next door, too. You knew because the list of seven deadly sins was always there like an instruction manual to guide you into wholesome living.

It’s unreasonable, some of it, but you always got by. You found loopholes around the deadly sins and rigid commandments and you still have a good shot at a heavenly reward. But don’t count on the Catholic church to help you along. Those cosmic babysitters have declared that you can do even better. Want to snort coke off the hood of the Lexus you worked so hard for? Don’t do it, mister. There are new commandments in town and they demand that you neither do drugs nor become wealthy enough to do them in such fanciful fashion.

For those of you scoring at home, there are now 14 deadly sins you are required to avoid. Frankly, I think it would be easier for someone to tell us what we can do rather than what we can’t.

The old
• Pride
• Envy
• Lust
• Gluttony
• Wrath
• Sloth
• Greed

The new
• Genetic modification
• Carrying out experiments on humans
• Polluting the environment
• Causing social injustice
• Causing poverty
• Becoming obscenely wealthy
• Taking drugs

19 Responses to “More stuff you can’t do”

  1. AO Says:

    We’re all goners.

  2. MR. Ed Says:

    good-bye, and good riddance!

  3. Sally T. Says:

    Damn, we’re in a tough spot!

  4. Sally T. Says:

    I can’t believe one of the new sins is to not cause social injustice. The Catholic church is the biggest sinner of all what with all the sexual predators they have hidden (and still are, I’m sure)!

  5. AO Says:

    Amen, Sally!

    Mr. Ed, I’ve heard that ass-holes will be the first to go. So, better kiss your fat, diaper clad ass good-bye.

  6. LaFlamme Says:

    I think it would be fun to try to involve all 14 sins in one decadent act. Whose with me!

  7. AO Says:

    You can count me in. When do we start?

  8. AO Says:

    You’ve got envy listed twice. Does that mean we’d be twice as envious of…say…Mr. Ed, then we should be? Yeah, that would be rich.

  9. LaFlamme Says:

    I was missing wrath. That just makes me furious!!!

  10. AO Says:

    You need a refresher course. Might I suggest you bone up on the original seven deadly sins by watching..eww..Seven? Grossest movie I’ve never seen.

  11. LaFlamme Says:

    Say, what’s in that box there, fella?

  12. Gil Says:

    I am Proud of the fact that my Envy of my neighbors trophy wife made me Lust after her so much that all I did was fantasize and eat Mcdonalds like a Glutton. I became so full of Wrath that I went on a rampage, destroying my apartment which made me tired and Slothful. So I sold my portfolio of XXX rated pics of my neighbor’s wife that I had taken through the bathroom window and made a cool million on line.
    Then, I kidnapped Mr Ed and Genetically modified him to resemble the neighbors wife. I Carried out experiments on him to see if I could make him into my new trophy wife, but he ended up a drooling freak (or a Liberal, take your choice) so I gave him two in the hat, and dumped his body in the Androscoggin, Polluting the environment. I then meditated on my actions while taking copious amounts of mescaline, peyote and LSD, when another thought hit me and I created a “Genetic modifier” to use at home, instantly earning me millions more. Then, just for shits and grins, I voted for Hillary/Obama for Pres, which caused grave social injustices and widespread poverty.

    Fuck the Church, I had fun.

  13. LaFlamme Says:

    Well, played. That’s a good day of sinning.

  14. AO Says:

    Brilliant, Gil!

  15. Sam A Says:

    that was utterly delightful gil, it just makes me even more happy on my stance religion wise (and it warmed my heart XD)

  16. roflman Says:

    wow

  17. iactuallycare Says:

    Wow, Gil, that’s not even funny. I mean, I don’t care if people sin, because religion is supposed to be a personal thing, but I mean, there’s no reason to make a mockery of the church, nor of religion. Just because you don’t care doesn’t mean other’s don’t. Oh and by the way, I’m not even Catholic, so I’m actually serious about this for supporting the Catholic Church.

  18. Gil Says:

    Wow, iactuallycare, get a grip. It’s a joke. Well, everything after “Gil says” is true, but in a joking kind of way. Now kindly take a healthy dose of go fuck yourself and have a nice day. I mean that in a christian way of course.

    dickhead

  19. Sally T. Says:

    Way to go Gil! heh