Photographer Russ Dillingham clearly doesn’t like me very much. Every time I turn around, there’s a new image of me hanging on the newsroom wall. Or my keyboard. Or the bulletin board at the front of the room designated for exceptional work and sexually questionable reporters. And while this might trouble and embarrass me, I like it quite a lot. Russ has an eye for psychology and somehow, he has cast me in roles that I might have assumed for real had fortune smiled upon me. Here is some of his work. Please stop eyeballing my breasts.

Again, Russ has created a snapshot of one of my inner personalities. I AM a large, African American basketball star somewhere deep down in the weird webs of DNA. Were it not for the fact that I’m a total cracker who can’t dunk and hates hoops, I might be in the NBA today. I was built for baseball. And for worming, skunk-like, into trash cans.

***

My inner Arab troubles me. I
could dig living in the desert, but all the politics and camel spiders would freak me out. Have you ever seen those bastards? They’re as big as your head and they run run upright. Fleeing and screaming from spiders is just not the way to impress my thirty wives and eleven concubines.

Ah, my inner Kerrigan. Beneath all the poverty, hair and male genitalia, I really am an overly-coddled princess at heart. Once misfortune comes my way, I will handle it with a notable lack of dignity and then crumble under the weight of adversity. I will also sniff at menial promotional appearances because I consider them beneath me. Then I’ll just go home and play with my breasts a while. I mean, look at ‘em!

***

You’ve heard the stories about my Willie but never thought they were true. But here it is, my Willie in finger-pickin’, butt-smoking action. You’ve always wanted to get your hands on my Willie and here is your chance.
Everything about Willie is dirty and there’s no sense pretending otherwise.

***

Behold, my inner monkey! A lap-groping, self-spanking monkey of limited intelligence who flings feces at strangers. In a survey of 100 of my closest friends, 97 did not realize this photo had been doctored.

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