Farwell, Texas. We’ll miss you.
Well, it was fun while it lasted. Looks like the fun-loving folks of Texas are ready to go it alone. What a fine independant nation Texovacia will make, too. With all that God-fearing, flag waving righteousness going on down there, the new national anthem will practically write itself.
It will be a fantastic place with no damn faw-ren-ers at all, only Texans, because let’s face it: isn’t that what the Lord had in mind all along? Texans, fat steaks and at least two executions a week.
And no bleeding heart liberals, either, goddamn ‘er. Those pinko, socialist, facist bastards will be shot at the state line before they can so much as utter: “may I have some steak sauce with my sirloin?”
It’s funny – just in an offhand way, I mean. I’m sure it signifies nothing – how for the last eight years, the offical state motto of Texas appeared to be “Love it or Leave it.” Fifty million belt buckles, one hundred million ball caps, and at least a billion embroidered signs offered up that ultimatum and yet, look whose leaving after all.
Everything is bigger in Texas, including the irony.
We’ll miss them, I’m sure. It will be something to see all those American flags come down from the backs of all those pickup trucks and front yards. It will be a marvel to see what becomes of all the bumper stickers that read “These colors don’t run” now that the colors are, in fact, running.
What will become of the Dixie Chicks, the Cowboys and NASA? What will we do with that $200 billion dollars in defense contracts we used to give to the Lone Star State?
Not to mention Walker the Texas ranger. Once the quintessenital, All-American ass-beater-downer, that dude will be nothing more than just another suspicious immigrant if he so much as wanders into, say, Oklahoma.
It’s sad, all of it, but Texas Gov. Rick Perry – soon to be Texas Grand Poobah, or whatever they will call their king – sounds serious enough. If this were a game of sandlot baseball, this is a picture of Texas taking its ball and going home.
“If Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that,” Grand Poobah Perry said.”But Texas is a very unique place, and we’re a pretty independent lot to boot.”
Yes, unique and independent. It sounds lovely. I can’t wait to visit this newborn country of Texas and see for myself what righteous bliss it has to offer.
On second thought, you know what? I don’t have a passport.
