Criminal impotence
For sheer helplessness and teeth grinding frustration, few things rival being locked out of your own home. The warmth, safety and liquor of your personal space is just beyond a thin door which you cannot outwit. The keys, more often than not, hang just inside that door, probably dangling from some hideous hook in the shape of a fish. Without those keys, the knob will turn neither left nor right. Everything you desire is there beyond the unmoving doors and battened windows and there you are, a knight stripped of his lance and shield
I suppose sexual impotence might compare, but what would I know about that?
When I was a shiftless young man, I was forever busting my way into locked buildings. My own apartment when I stumbled home keyless after last call at the bars. The homes of friend’s who were not there to greet me. Houses and apartments of strangers when I thought I was somewhere else.
Back in the day, I had a break-in success rate of somewhere near one hundred percent. The cunning mind and conniving instincts of those reckless years lends itself to the craft of burglary. Grow older, wiser and more responsible, those tricks with the credit cards, paper clips and coat hangers don’t work so well anymore. It’s not the tools so much as your own capacity for thinking like a criminal.
Over the past year, I’ve probably penetrated three homes that were inaccessible to others. The credit card trick works 75 percent of the time, much as a Slim Jim will work three out of four tries on a locked car.
But last night, stone sober, wide awake and no different physically than I was before, I was unable to enter the kingdom of my own home. The credit card was foiled by weather stripping. Various tricks with windows failed. Jingling, jangling and banging availed me nothing.
The only sensible explanation? My wife was standing there with me, watching my attempts at prowess. Conscious or not, the male mind has trouble steering itself back to its criminal roots under the gaze of a more responsible partner. The very state of matrimony inhibits the capability for guile.
I pass it on for examination by criminologists and behavioral scientists who may find a way to exploit this phenomenon to render crooks criminally impotent. Maybe there is even some function here that applies to impotence of a sexual nature. But again, how the hell would I know?
January 13th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
You should have called me. I am the master of break ins. Not that I do it regularly or anything, but I do have a reputation for breaking into abandoned houses. just to look around. I am no thief, just nosey. When we were looking into moving to Milo Maine, I must have gotten into 8 or 9 different places before the realitor showed up. By the end of the day, she thought she was losing her mind and all of the houses were left unlocked. Chris and I got a good laugh…and my drivers license got a good workout.
January 13th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Mark, this is why I have one of those key holders that looks like a rock in the vicinity of my back door. I have locked myself out more than once. On one recent occasion, I had to use it twice, before I even left my house for the day. Twas not a good way to start the day.
January 13th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
BTW.. what happened to the other blog you had here earlier this afternoon?
January 13th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
I used the other blog to break into the neighbor’s house. It bent, cracked and finally shattered. Ugly, man.
January 13th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Does this have anything to do with the manly stuff you were doing the other day when AO covered the blog for you?
When there are kids in the family, somebody’s always ending up on the wrong side of a locked door. Once a realtor friend and I got locked in a garage when the kids slammed the door shut. He was a little bit panicked but I took the hinges off the door, no problem.
January 13th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I have this really strange little doohickey on my front door. It consists of two buttons. If you push one of them in, no key, credit card, anything, is going to unlock that damn door. When my son was younger, he discovered this little button before we even realized it was there. One day, in the dead of winter, we found ourselves locked out. We went to the back door and couldn’t get in. Seems he’d put the latch on that one and turned the doorknob lock also. The only way we could get in was by breaking a window. I’ll be the first to admit that at four years old…my son was already smarter than both of his parents.
January 13th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
yeah, the blog that was here earlier disappeared?
I saw an article that htere was auditions for zombies / extras so I wlndered if that was the manly stuff Mark was doing? Getting into his zombie outfit & auditioning to be an extra for a movie?
well, as far as breaking in/ being locked out, yeah, that’s a relevant issue. I’m not telling you what the extra-key hiding place looks like (a rock, huh?) but I put mine elsewhere. Since the new year, I’ve had many days that I discovered a door unlocked in the morning or when I came home, and I was sure I’d locked it, so I don’t know if it’s carelessness or paranioa? I say there’s no one going to come in here, there’s no reason for it, who’s gonna bother messing with me? and Mom says I’m naive, she assures me there are people around here who just try to mess with your life. I decided to be more conscientious about double checking the doors’ locks before delving into obsessive worry about who’s been in here and how/why they’d want to mess with me.
January 13th, 2007 at 9:18 pm
lost sole? huh? that was me!
January 13th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
How about people who leave a spare key in their mailbox? Nobody would EVER think of looking there.
January 13th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
I would! the problem is- of course -I can’t open the mail box without the key!
January 13th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
Doncha hate it when stuff is in the news, and if you’d known you woulda been there?
Like the zombie auditions? (mark)
Or the anti-war -escallation protest- I would have liked to at least decided whether or not to have gone to that. I’m really out of the loop I guess, because I used to show up at all the cool things going on, and lately, nothin.
maybe I’ll go see if there’s anything new in moveon.org today….. or LA indymedia
January 14th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Snow!! Snow!! It’s so pretty I can’t believe it. Is it snowing where you all are? Bobbie says it’s snowing at her house.
January 14th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
For Brenda:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t
fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal
may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding
it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
January 14th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
for me? wow! I must be important for you to go to all that thought & trouble!
January 14th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
yes, it’s snowing!
anywayChris- here I am taking the bait, but I am not angry, just amused:
The first problem is dividing humans into two distinct groups, and then we have polarization, fighting, wars….. that’s where the anger comes in. While what you wrote was funny, it also enlightens the very thought process of superiority of oneself over another who may have a different perspective or value. Maybe I’m a liberal, but my main point is that tolerance of differences is necessary for the sake of peace; tolerance does not mean surrender, and that’s where it gets difficult because those who believe in their own God given righteousness are willing to kill those of us with whom they disagree………… and when a person is uncomfortable with conflict, being pushed into a conflict often brings adrenaline & over-reaction, giving the bully the advantage once the tolerant one loses self control and lowers him/her self to the base level .
:^) also seems like you contradict yourself, saying liberals are lazy and don’t produce anything- but YOU wrote that when the liberals showed up for the BBQ’s, they contributed by sewing, fetching & hair-dressing. That IS productive. You say only conservatives are productive, but when you wrote that conservative men provide for their wives & that the liberal women have higher testesterone, that implies that liberal women do more (outside the home) than conservative women? (personally, I do think men should provide for their families & that taking care of children & the home is very important, productive & worthy work. I think it doesn’t matter how you pee, sitting or standing, it’s whoever happens to have the opportunity at the time for work. However, when the men are not doing that, we women have to do what we need to do, if we have kids we have to be strong for them and even take our kids and fend for ourselves when the men are too drunk.)
generalising- wow- it never occurred to me that there are NO liberals who are doctors, firemen, police construction workers, lumberjacks, …company owners, etc.
ps, I own my own little business. I am a veteran of the US Army, qualified Expert on the same rifle range with the men & did better than many of the men soldiers ( *thanks to the ugly but well-prescribed eyeglasses the Army gave me!) But I was never in any hurry to kill anyone. I was trained as a medic, then Behavioral Science Specialist. I don’t know if I have high testosterone, I don’t think so, but I might. I’m very independent sometimes. I do know that when necessary, the have the power– I see myself as a protective & powerful mother bear- – and I do what I have to do. I carry a flag at events as a veteran, (in place of men veterans who are not there for various reasons) AND I watch out for the kids, seeing myself as mother & grandmother, “Nana” all the time.
& there’s one more point I want to challenge– I’ll be right back!
January 14th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
well I’m not angry, I’m flattered at the opportunity to engage in the discussion, and that you actually headed that with “For Brenda” & I did quickly proof read- missed an error in grammar as I changed a sentence, I thought I had deleted words that are still there-sorry- I am in a hurry because I have a kid here who needs my attention and of course he’s more important than this ~
I just gotta say~
I disagree with this – quote-
“Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girliemen.”
Because in reality, every man on the Earth started as a potential Woman!
Every zygote starts the same, and it is after 6 to 8 weeks of development that the Y chromosome causes testosterone to be produced, the testosterone causes the tissues that would have become a clitoris to lower & become the head of the penis, the gonads lower, the tissue that would have become inner & outer labia lower & form into the shaft of the penis & scrotum, etc, so we all start the same, and females were created first, before males. Men did not evolve into women! It’s the other way around.
The point is, we all do come from the same basic life tissue, we all have feelings the same & different, we need both male & female contributions, as we need both liberal & conservative to work together & solve problems.
(how’s a construction worker, Marine, firefighter, police officer, etc, going to get a haircut if all hair-cutters are liberal? you need us!)
“nogomaq” means we are all related- male & female, liberal & conservative,
animals, plants, fire, water, air….we are all connected and what hurts one, hurts all of us sooner or later.
:^)
January 14th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I’m outraged! No, wait. I agree wholeheartedly. Hold on, there’s that outrage again! Now I’m just amused. And look! Here’s some confusion!
Dammit, Chris. You suckered me in with hints that you were leading us to the evolutionary origins of the criminal gene. Which you sorta did with a political twist. I guess. What you ought to do is create a questionaire for people like me who are confused about their political leanings. I’m so middle of the road, I don’t know who my neighbors are.
January 14th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
So, Mark, are you going to be watching the game today, or are you going shopping?
January 14th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
I watched the Seahawks heartbreaker. Dramatic Bears comeback. Great game. Ironically, a lot of Patriots fans didn’t watch it, because… well, it wasn’t the Patriots. That sort of indicates that a lot of people are Patriots fans but not really football fans. Interesting.
January 14th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
We’ve had football on all day. Well, we did go out and grocery shop but, football, you bet, all day.
January 14th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Well that was fun!!
January 14th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
Chris – The Republicans gave us George Bush (Sr. and Jr.) They suck.